The day that forever changed me.

I'm 26 with still many major milestones to face and I will be going through it all without my mom. My life came to complete halt on February 19, 2010 when my mom was suddenly rushed to the hospital after collapsing at work. I didn't realize the extent of it until my brother and I were turning the corner about a block from the hospital when my Dad called to let us know how serious this really was. Once I was allowed back to see her, I was not prepared for the reality of it. My young, beautiful, strong mother was laying helplessly and frail, on a ventillator with IV lines and monitors everywhere. At this point nobody, not even the doctors knew what happened or where to even begin trying to figure out what caused this 46 year old, healthy, active, mother of 4 to end up virtually lifeless in their ER. It wasn't until hours later did they realize that the problem all stemmed from the hemorrhaging that was going on around my mom's brain which was causing a tremendous amount of pressure in her head. Things were not looking good and my two little sisters (Andrea-10 and Gabrielle-7, and yes, we are all from the same parents.LOL) were still at school completely unaware that their lives where about to change. I was terrified. I'm a grown woman and I was still unable to control my emotions, so how were they supposed to handle this at their ages? I was numb, my face felt hot and I literally felt as if I couldn't breathe. Before my sisters made it to the hospital my mom coded just seconds after my brother, Dad and I were allowed to see her after transferring her to the CCU. I was holding her hand as I heard that wretched sound from her monitor and we were shoved out of the room. I remember hearing them announce code blue over the intercom. Once in the "quiet room" the doctors and nurses all came in to break the news to us but once we had the chance to absorb what they were telling us, they came back in to let us know that miraculously, her heart started back up on its own. That's my mom!! Stubborn and strong as ever. Defying God's will to take her. In reality, she was just holding on long enough to let everyone, especially her babies, say goodbye. I will never in a million years forget the looks on the girl's faces as my dad met them in the hall, knelt down and had to tell them what was going on. My mom hung in all night and into the next morning. On February 20, 2010 my family faced out hardest decision. The neurologist assured us that her latest CT scan showed that she was brain dead. Her quality of life would be terrible. She would never get out of bed, open her eyes, speak, let alone breathe on her own. Seeing my Dad's reaction killed me, he was literally losing his other half. We fulfilled her written wishes and as much as it hurt us, we let my mom rest and go with God. From that day forward none of our lives will ever be the same. My Dad, brother, little sisters and I all had to come together and form a team. The glue that ran the house and held our family together is gone. We have many challenges to face and needed to make so many changes. My journey has begun, although I have a supportive, loving dad, a wonderful brother and 2 amazing little sisters, I still feel so alone. We are all mourning the same loss, but to each of us, the loss is different. I think of all that is left to happen in my life, my first house, marriage, motherhood and realize my mom won't be there to hold my hand through any of it. I think of how I'm supposed to have the talk about the birds and the bees with my little sisters, help them deal with puberty, their first heartbreak and their first high school dance knowing that my mom should be there. Her loss, 5 months later is still hard to swallow and I pray every night that she give us all the strength to hold everything together in her absence and that maybe one day we will be able to understand why this was part of God's plan. I miss you mom, with all my heart!