Mom's first heavenly Anniversary

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day my mom took her journey to Heaven. I always said that I thought my mom was a superhero and after spending a year of my dad, brother and me trying to fill her shoes, we confirmed that my mom truly had superhuman powers. I will never forget waking up that morning after she passed away feeling completely lost. I knew it was a Sunday and one thing that we had to do was make her usual big Sunday breakfast, but I didn't even know where to begin. At that point, I didn't even know how to fry an egg. All 5 of us looked at each other helplessly. This year has been quite a journey, but we have finally found our own routine. It was a challenge for all of us and I can assure you that it didn't happen over night, but we made it. We survived the most challenging, life altering year of our lives. It's hard to swallow the fact that it's been an entire year since I last felt her, hugged her or kissed her cheek, but I can recall every last detail of that last hug. I still find myself panicking when I can't remember where every beauty mark on her face was or what was our last meal together, but she always helps me remember. I hate that this is it. All we have left of my mom are her ashes, pictures and the memories in our hearts. I pray that for all of out sakes, this will be a better year. I know my mom's in a much better place and I can't wait for the day that we are reunited in Heaven. When the day comes that God sends for me, I will no longer fear it knowing she will be there to greet me. Mom, know that we love you, miss you and hope to see you in our dreams.

Mom's 1st memorial mass

Today, we memorialized my mom. I woke up with no desire to get out of bed. All morning, I kept remembering that this time last year, I got up and had no idea that within a few hours, my life would never be the same. I kept replaying in my head, every last detail about that morning. I remember waking up and hearing the garage door close as she pulled out of the garage for the very last time. I just wanted to get today over with, but in the end, it was very bitter sweet. I think we all payed a lovely tribute to a wonderful woman. Her mass was very tearful, yet beautiful and It was nice to see so many people come, despite the rainy weather. This showed me that my mom was so influential in so many lives. The hardest part though was being back in that church, sitting in the same spot, seeing my dad, brother and especially my baby girls cry. It was like reliving her funeral all over again. There we were, in that front row of the church, angry, sad and heartbroken. I'm still trying to accept the fact that this is all part of God's plan and that this was not something he did to us out of spite. My mom worried and cared about everyone and now she has a wonderful view from Heaven where she can watch over all of us at once and as the overachiever that she is, I'm sure she has mastered using her Angel wings. I also made sure today we thanked all our friends and family, because without their support, we would have never survived this year. I have learned so much about my mom over this past year though all the stories and memories shared by everyone and this all helps reassure me that my mom will never be forgotten. She lives in all of our hearts and I will do all that I can to keep her memory alive. I love you Mom. Rest in Paradise.

helpless...

Yesterday was my little sister, Andrea's, 11th birthday. I could see in her face that she was hurting and it killed me to know that there was nothing that I could do as her big Sissy to fix it and make it better.I felt helpless. She said that it didn't feel like her birthday dispite our efforts to make it special for her. More than anything my heart breaks for my sisters and I pray that the 10 and 7 years of memories that they had with her will be enough to last them a lifetime. I will do my best to make sure that they always know how much she loved and adored them and how much she prayed every night to have them in her life. They were her little miracles.

On September 12, I had to get through my mom's first Heavenly birthday, now today I have to get through my first birthday without my mom. I had a hard time getting out of bed, because I knew walking downstairs would be so different from any other year. I knew I wouldn't find her making breakfast and giving me a hug smile and a big hug wishing me a happy birthday. I know I will never open up another one of her touching birthday cards reminding me how much I'm loved and getting to hear the story again of how rainy it was the day I was born (kinda crazy since today is supposed to be almost 100 degrees). I miss my mom so much and I can't believe that she's not going to be here today to sing happy birthday to me, hug me or tell me the story again of the day I was born. No more mushy cards that make me teary eyed and no more big hugs. How unfair is this? Birthdays will never be he same again.

My Mom... "The Amazing Marie"

I've always told my mom that she should wear a cape, because to me she was a real life superhero. Now I realize that she did wear one, it was just invisible. My mom was not only my hero; she was my mentor, life planner, teacher, confidant and friend. Of course we struggled through my difficult teenage years, but once I grew up and matured, our relationship grew stronger and I'm glad knowing that by the end, we were closer than ever. I knew that at if I was having a bad day at work, something was bothering me or I needed help, my mom would come to the rescue. She was everything that I could ever hope to be.
If I had to sum her up in a few words they would be: ambitious, beautiful, and mostly...selfless. She excelled in all that she did and made it look all too easy. You have to understand that my mom was a mother of 4 (Me, Carlos-24, Andrea-10, Gabrielle-8) who worked full time and still managed to keep an immaculate house, chauffer my sisters to dance and cheer and still make a home cooked meal every night. My parents were high school sweethearts who were married for 27 wonderful years. Her family's needs were always her priority and she made many sacrifices for us. My mom meant the world to us, but I had no idea how much she meant to everyone else until I saw the 850+ people that showed up at her services to say their last goodbyes. It showed me how many lives my mom touched. Looking around at all the people present made me prouder than ever to know that I had the privilege of calling this amazing woman, Mom.

The day that forever changed me.

I'm 26 with still many major milestones to face and I will be going through it all without my mom. My life came to complete halt on February 19, 2010 when my mom was suddenly rushed to the hospital after collapsing at work. I didn't realize the extent of it until my brother and I were turning the corner about a block from the hospital when my Dad called to let us know how serious this really was. Once I was allowed back to see her, I was not prepared for the reality of it. My young, beautiful, strong mother was laying helplessly and frail, on a ventillator with IV lines and monitors everywhere. At this point nobody, not even the doctors knew what happened or where to even begin trying to figure out what caused this 46 year old, healthy, active, mother of 4 to end up virtually lifeless in their ER. It wasn't until hours later did they realize that the problem all stemmed from the hemorrhaging that was going on around my mom's brain which was causing a tremendous amount of pressure in her head. Things were not looking good and my two little sisters (Andrea-10 and Gabrielle-7, and yes, we are all from the same parents.LOL) were still at school completely unaware that their lives where about to change. I was terrified. I'm a grown woman and I was still unable to control my emotions, so how were they supposed to handle this at their ages? I was numb, my face felt hot and I literally felt as if I couldn't breathe. Before my sisters made it to the hospital my mom coded just seconds after my brother, Dad and I were allowed to see her after transferring her to the CCU. I was holding her hand as I heard that wretched sound from her monitor and we were shoved out of the room. I remember hearing them announce code blue over the intercom. Once in the "quiet room" the doctors and nurses all came in to break the news to us but once we had the chance to absorb what they were telling us, they came back in to let us know that miraculously, her heart started back up on its own. That's my mom!! Stubborn and strong as ever. Defying God's will to take her. In reality, she was just holding on long enough to let everyone, especially her babies, say goodbye. I will never in a million years forget the looks on the girl's faces as my dad met them in the hall, knelt down and had to tell them what was going on. My mom hung in all night and into the next morning. On February 20, 2010 my family faced out hardest decision. The neurologist assured us that her latest CT scan showed that she was brain dead. Her quality of life would be terrible. She would never get out of bed, open her eyes, speak, let alone breathe on her own. Seeing my Dad's reaction killed me, he was literally losing his other half. We fulfilled her written wishes and as much as it hurt us, we let my mom rest and go with God. From that day forward none of our lives will ever be the same. My Dad, brother, little sisters and I all had to come together and form a team. The glue that ran the house and held our family together is gone. We have many challenges to face and needed to make so many changes. My journey has begun, although I have a supportive, loving dad, a wonderful brother and 2 amazing little sisters, I still feel so alone. We are all mourning the same loss, but to each of us, the loss is different. I think of all that is left to happen in my life, my first house, marriage, motherhood and realize my mom won't be there to hold my hand through any of it. I think of how I'm supposed to have the talk about the birds and the bees with my little sisters, help them deal with puberty, their first heartbreak and their first high school dance knowing that my mom should be there. Her loss, 5 months later is still hard to swallow and I pray every night that she give us all the strength to hold everything together in her absence and that maybe one day we will be able to understand why this was part of God's plan. I miss you mom, with all my heart!